It was a celebratory press conference for the faithful in Wade County Wednesday afternoon. The Miami Heat added low post scoring, shot blocking, and, most notably, diversity to a previously all human locker room Friday by receiving a commitment from high profile free agent Chris Bosh. The coveted forward made an electric entrance by arriving to the Heat's practice facility on a massive reptilian bird. Bosh, the league's only Avatar, parked his winged Ikran named Ayowe next to fellow superstar Dwyane Wade's new Boxter Z380. A tense moment ensued as Ayowe ate Wade's recently purchased automobile in three swift chomps, but Wade made light of the situation when he quipped to reporters that "honestly, I was glad I could film that whole thing with my Sidekick and send it to Chuck. He's in my five you know!." "Dwyane's humor really makes me feel welcome here in Miami. I think with my new deal being set in place, I'll be able to buy him a new one" Bosh hissed through a translator.
Bosh, though short by Avatar standards, (the average is 9'6) stands 6'10, extremely tall for a human and more than adequate to play the power forward position in the NBA. With a dangerous mid range jump shot, an array of post moves and deft passing ability, Bosh is a highly polished forward. However, it is his remarkable agility and explosiveness that truly sets him apart. Though blogspot cautions against speciesism, one NBA scout who spoke on the condition of anonymity tells us that "Avatars just jump out of the freaking gym. You just can't teach it. Its really tough for humans to keep up."
The Heat were bounced from the 2010 playoffs by the eventual Eastern Conference Champion Boston Celtics, largely because they were unable to find a reliable second scoring option to take some of the pressure off Wade. Bosh, coming off a season in which he averaged 24 points per game, is an ideal candidate to provide the spark that Miami has lacked offensively. "The only place Chris won't score is in the hotel room" said General Manager Pat Riley, wryly smiling as he referenced Bosh's unique anatomical make up as an Avatar. Riley did acknowledge that Bosh probably would not be aroused by human women anyway. "The less distractions the better, at least from our perspective" Riley commented. When asked if his lack of visible genitalia would be an issue with his teammates in the locker room, Riley was dismissive. "We just had Jermaine O'Neil here for two seasons, and he didn't have any balls either. He got along just fine."
The Heat are making some special adjustments for Bosh within the organization. Bosh asked that all employees donate 10% of their salaries to organizations that promote world peace. Additionally, he demanded that the grounds and maintenance staff stop pulling weeds and spraying insecticide because he claims that it "radically disrupts his life force". Team dinners will also now feature five quarts of berries imported from Bosh's native Navi. "Its pretty much all I eat, so it would be great if I didn't have to bring them from my dwelling" the talented forward said. When asked about how he related to Bosh's pricey demands, coach Erik Spolestra said that he "would let him [Bosh] play in war paint and a loin cloth if he puts up 20-10 every night". Famous last words.
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